Random Thoughts

It's so strange to be past the point of disbelief.
I believe that he's gone, now.
And I can't seem to find the words for how it aches.
I don't want to pass a whole day without crying, but the sadness goes so deep that it's hard to let the tears come.
That first week, he was still here--he was so present in our thoughts that it was like he wasn't gone at all.
There is a marked absence now.
His room is empty, the door always open.
Offering a jarring reminder that he isn't in it.
The truck...growing dusty in the driveway.
I have thoughts of being close to him by sitting in it with a CD of his playing,
but it seems too...romantic in nature.
And that was never what we were.
Good friends, who respected each other's intelligence.
I can't stop wishing I had spent more time getting to know him.
More time seeking him out--
less time being concerned with boundaries.

He's really gone.
He really is.

He shouldn't be!
There are so many people who miss him.
How do you live with grief?
I have been so busy this week that I have neglected my grief, and I feel it welling inside me like an uncashed check--urgent and growing moreso.
So here I am.
Connecting with the thoughts and the memories...
hoping it'll alleviate the build-up.

I can't stand talking about it lately--
I cringe at the words "funeral", "death", "grave".
It's like I have put it aside.
I do want to visit the grave, though.
And soon.
And I guess I could watch the DVD slideshow.
I grieved so hard that first week that I think I am afraid to grieve more...
afraid it will consume me again.
I felt everybody's sadness, not just my own.
The look on a brother's face, the smile on his daughter's face--
anything that gave me a glance into their soul brought me to my knees.

I keep feeling like my thoughts will bring him back...
that can't be healthy! haha.
I feel like I'm just thinking about someone who's not here right now.
And then, when I do talk about him it's in a very distant manner...because I can't face the truth of it.
The reality.
He's gone.
Forever.
Sure, he's out there.
Sure, I'll probably see him when I die, etc.
But fuck that.
Who cares???
That does no one any good for right now.
I miss him for the empty space he has left in the lives of his 5 brothers, my husband specifically, and D & D next.
And oh, how I hate the enormous rip in the fabric of his daughter's life that this has left.

I hate it all.
He should be here.

I think...I will try to write here whenever I need to think about him.
Maybe I'll share this log-in info with the rest of the family so we can all have a place together...
or maybe I'll just keep it for me.