written to Karstin, August 15, 2006

Here's an interesting thing; something you may enjoy as a student of the mind. Today I discovered that I have progressed to a new state of mind. So the first couple of days it was like all I could do was think about him, in my conscious mind when normally he mostly exists in my subonscious mind: he's around, I'm aware of him, but I don't spend much time at all thinking about him actively, ya know? But these past two days he's about all I could think about, and every time he entered my mind it would send this shock to me, reminding me of what happened and I would instantly start bawling again. Well, today it's like my mind has finally gotten used to him being part of the conscious thought pattern and it doesn't shock me anymore to be thinking about him. I have to dwell on it a little more before the tears will start gushing. I thought you may dig on that--if it came out in a coherant fashion, at least! We cleaned out his room today, all the brothers here together. Which, by the way, fucking SUCKS ASS because it's NOT fucking ALL the brothers. One is so obviously missing. Anyway, I got myself into this frame of mind like we were just helping him move. I didn't allow my thoughts to go to that sappy place, which was more than I could do yesterday, so that's an improvement. I have talked myself right through this to a point where I'm doing pretty well in general. An occasional laugh (it can't be helped; the brothers are all such smartasses) or even a little bit of consideration for what I'm doing next week (starting school!) or the next (kids starting school!) or whatever. So, yeah. Just blabbering away helps me tons, so thanks for reading this. :) Can't wait to catch up and get my mind off this. After the funeral.