Friday, August 25, 2006

Written August 14, 2006

I think the strangest thing is how severely it interupts my daily
routine....that sounds selfish, and I should rephrase it but I don't
have the energy, but I don't mean it like that. I just mean it's go along, doing your thing and then something like this
happens and nothing else really exists anymore. I have these passing,
shadowy thoughts of other things and other people, but I keep
forgetting things--like what day it is and stuff. I have to remember
to get up tomorrow and take my boys in to school for their pre-first
grade screening. I already forgot to go to my newspaper meeting on
Sunday and I keep forgetting that my classes start next week. Which
means my newspaper writing resumes. And I'll have to learn stuff.

Really just talking about it is what helps me the most, so it means a
lot to me that you'd be willing to listen.

I think it's bizarre how hard it is to believe it when you get news
like this. It's like your brain has all these cruise control
modes--everything is normal and fine and goes a certain way, it's
predictable. But then, a knock on the door, policemen standing there,
and one tiny little phrase that just rips a hole through everything.
I don't want to keep thinking about this every day for the rest of my
life. But I don't want to stop thinking about him. His smile, his ego!
god, his huge ego--and the softest, most tender part just underneath
that. He was a good man. I am so glad that I got a chance to get to
know him better during this year that he stayed with us. I am so glad
we were able to provide him a safe, happy home. I kind of felt like he had
never had a stable home: their parents wouldn't have exactly won the
parents of the year award, let's put it that way, and his marriage had its
good times, but it ended so it obviously had its share of bad times. That
stability was short-lived. And then he hooked up with this
girl...I could spend a lifetime describing her beauty--she is a broken
little spirit, and he held her together. It was too much for him, and
they had more ups and downs than the elevator in the empire state
building, but he was pretty much everything to her. Anyway...staying
here was stable and good. He and I were pretty good friends by the
end of it. It hurts so much more because I am used to having him
around, but I would have felt awful if I had never gotten to know him.
I don't want to stop hurting.

One of my friends dated him for a while as he was getting divorced and
they've remained on friendly terms. She said her first thought was,
"He's too tall to die." We agreed that it both sounded silly and is
TRUE. Someone 6' 8" should not be able to die. He's larger than life,
so he should be stronger than it, too. The tree that killed him is
pathetic. It's like 4 inches thick. A baby goddamned tree took down a

This girlfriend that he had...our whole family thinks they broke up a
year ago, but they didn't. I knew. But no one else did, not really.
So I've taken on the role of ambassador for her. It's so hard knowing
that they just don't get how much he meant to her and that he was
still a part of her life. Because he lived here, I know that he
didn't spend a lot of time with her, but from talking to her this week
I have learned that she was just as committed to him as ever. I
know he was lying to her to save his own --fuck, I was going to say
"save his own life". Guess that didn't work out so well, did it??
SAnity. He was tyring to save his sanity. He had to keep distance
from her or he would get sucked in. She has Borderline Personality
Disorder--much worse than it sounds. It's like a mad cocktail of
bipolar disorder and manipulation and some other stuff...can't
remember. It's pretty brutal. She is so beautiful and so loving that
I can see how it would be impossible to leave her--especially when she
needs you so much. So, he never fully left her, but he couldn't stay
with her, either. I hope that all made sense. Anyway. It's a
complex situation because in her mind she lost the man she was sharing
her life with--and planned to be with forever. She told him she would
wait a lifetime for him...and yesterday she said she's only waiting
until her children are grown and settled, and then she's joining him.
I hope she makes it through this. I ache for her.

I figure if I can get through the next few days, I should be getting
back into the swing of things pretty soon. I still can't quite
believe that he's gone forever. He's always gone for a couple of days
here and there--it seems like he'll walk in the door any minute with a
twelve pack of diet mountain dew, or come out of his room and start
talking about some girl he's going to nail. Our last conversation, in
fact, was about my hot lesbian friend who he wanted to hook up
with--she was dumped for a guy, so she's been dabbling; she had to
find out what all the fuss was about in Penisville. Heh. It was a
light-hearted, quick conversation and then I was out the door; off to
meet Jasmine at the dog park, remember? I heared him come into the
house that night, and I thought he was still here when the doorbell
rang. I thought maybe he had locked himself out or something. So
many what-ifs....but I won't dwell on them; they do no good.


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